Honoring Life and Love

It is the eve of an Anniversary, July 15th a day I will never forget.  It was the day I married my college sweetheart and the father of my 3 beautiful children. It would be 14 years married and 19 years together.  And now here I am almost 4 years this November, celebrating another year without you.

If you follow my story, you know that I have found new love in my life and have recently married again. Does that mean this day should not be celebrated?  Would it now be odd talking about my late husband and celebrating our wedding anniversary? To some perhaps.  Most likely because they don’t understand the depths of loss or magnitude of losing a spouse.  But that doesn’t phase me. I share these thoughts to help others see my heart and learn the truths and realities of loss.  Because loss is real and touches everyone’s life. 

What I have learned through my loss is that your heart expands.  You can still love your late spouse even if you are remarried!  A new title I shall claim as Re-Married Widow. The love and memories don’t just disappear.  I still think and talk about Andy everyday!  We grieve because we love! And dang I loved that man! The amazing thing about love is that my feelings for Andy don’t take away the feelings I have for Ryan(new hubby).  Actually, Ryan thinks he has a special pact with Andy- and looks to the heavens, with hands raised, mumbling “Andy help” whenever I am too much to handle. Which I then remind Ryan, “Andy is always on my side😂”

So Happy Anniversary Andy!  I miss you everyday. Your loss has changed me and my perspective of life and love. I am stronger and love harder than I ever have before. And even though we won’t grow old together, the memories we shared are enough to last a lifetime.  Heck, Andy was already bald so I already had a small glimpse of him older.

I miss your tight squeezes, your ability to always make me laugh, your crazy hobbies, and even how annoyed you would get at me when I talked too loud in every store!  I miss you calling after work everyday, pretending to see how I am, when all you wanted to know was what was for dinner, and how we would laugh when I confronted you. I miss your laugh. I miss having to hear about all your high school glory days and having the ability to retell them myself like I was there.

I wonder how you would respond to living in a pandemic.  Would you have hoarded toilet paper?  And what crazy hobby would you have me and the kids roped in?  I look at my 3 year old, that you never were able to meet, and wonder what you would think of him?  How you would make him laugh. And how much you would have loved him.

So cheers to 14 years in love with Andy.  Cheers to a life I have now continued without him.  A life continued that he would be so proud of.  I know he is smiling, cheering (listening to Dave Matthews Band), sending all his love to his little family!  Tomorrow, I will listen to our wedding song (make one of the kids dance with me) and remember our special day and all of the wonderful memories we made!

Life is short but sweet for certain-DMB