Have you ever found yourself seeking something that cannot be found? Like there is a void, vacancy, a blank space in your heart and you find yourself in a perpetual soul search. After the death of my husband, an abyss was created. A space that was full of love, warmth and light one day and replaced with swirling anxiety, bitter-cold emptiness, and darkness the next.
How do you fill it? Can it be filled? Will this pit, now created from loss, ever heal? Will the ache from absence ever cease? These were constant questions I asked myself daily, hourly, sometimes minutely. As the need to breath is necessary for life, the seeking to fill this “heart hole” now was a part of my primary life function.
For some who have experienced loss or tragedy, that evokes this soul quest, fill it or try to fill it with vices. Trying to quiet this beast that constantly requires attention to maintain its grip a vice becomes an option…temporarily. These vices may occupy temporary space but will never begin the healing- alcohol, drugs, shopping, unhealthy sexual choices, anger, running away, bitterness, or food (are just to name a few). We all can so easily get caught up and seduced into these vices but they will never fill the void.
That leaves you in a conundrum. What can fill this space that once held such love? It can’t be dismissed (no matter how hard we try). It can’t be filled with a vice (no matter how hard we try). I can tell you the ache can be dulled and the hole can begin to fill. The absence will never be filled the same or be the same. I am here to tell you that is ok. We aren’t the same after loss or tragedy. We are forever different. The hole will heal and we can fill it with joy and love again. It will never look the same. But we can be Happy again! A scar will remain. But I proudly show my scar, like a badge over my heart. My scar is stitched from love and work. It has intricately been healed by beautiful embroidery with every laugh, smile, quiet moment, practice of patience, tear, trial, and beloved memory held dearly.
I know, I know I’m still leaving you with questions! How is the hole filled and how does this beautiful scar start to take shape. I was recently told this beautiful phrase and I want to share it with you. I think it brings such clarity to the above questions: “You keep seeking the Light. Don’t you know you are the light?” It brought tears to my eyes. We are constantly seeking outside ourselves to fill whatever hole we have, but what we really need is a mirror so we can see the reflection of all the good and light that we shine. I will be the first to admit- I did not like what I saw and the impact this abyss was having on me. I didn’t recognize myself.
So what happens if we don’t like what we see? It’s easy to say but hard to do- Make a change! I didn’t say “heart-healing” was easy. Oh no, it’s a work in progress. It takes time, tears, set-backs, anger, and fear-facing but what it brings in return is so sweet. Everyone is different in both their journey and their healing. My hope is that by sharing what has worked for me will inspire you to seek what will work for you. Here are some of my suggestions:
*I am a part of an amazing group of women called the “Modern Widows Club” They were one of my first steps I took to fill my void. The love that they have placed inside my absence is non-replaceable. They have taught me so much about love, healing, and resilience. That last word is the most important: Resilience. I have learned that resilience is not given but can be built. Resilience is the key to healing and when you build it, it will hold your light! Resilience and how to build it is the foundation of our Club- the suggestions that I am giving are influenced and learned from them.
Now- I’m not telling you to go find widow’s to befriend(ha), but I am saying look at those in your life. Are they good for you? Do they bring positivity? Do they help you grow? If not maybe it’s time to set them free. Positivity breeds positivity. Optimism is definitely a resilient skill that leads to heart healing.
*Faith. This can be a touchy subject for some because loss and tragedy can lead to loss of faith. I am a guilty party to this. Not necessarily the loss of faith but the anger towards my faith. Letting go of the anger and leaning into my faith. Putting my trust in the “Big guy” and knowing his plans are way bigger than anything I could dream of. So wherever you are in your faith journey- seek what’s next.
*The act of giving. My cup has over-runneth from helping others. Figure out a way you can give back. Start small. When you help someone else, the focus is shifted off your life and your problems and does so much for stitching that wound and filling that empty space.
*Facing your Fears. I looked some of my fears right in the eye and took back control. I went to the Lake where my husband drowned and made it into a healing spot. I faced my fear of loneliness, by accepting not having a partner as a possibility, and yet knowing that I can still have a full life. Get your fears in-check. Say them out loud. Release them and they will be released from you.
*What am I here for? Before my husband’s death I felt like I had a pretty good grip on why I am here. A wife, a mother, a counselor. Life after death has put a new perspective on my attitude towards this question. I am trying new things. Asking myself these questions and taking action with my answers. This post is an example of what I am talking about. Never would I have thought that I would have a blog (that people read- I think) and have written a book (coming out this summer- I know shameless plug). Are you where you want to be? What changes could you make to get closer to answering the questions of finding your purpose?
In no-way-shape or form has my Andy’s absence fully healed. I bare the scar that displays his loss. I still have bad days, tears, anger and frustration. But I now have hope, laughter, dreams of a future, and see so much good that already is and that may come. So if you haven’t already start the journey of creating your “scar.” Begin the healing! I guarantee in the end the image you see in the mirror will be one that you recognize (different, tweaked- but still you). That image will reflect the light from inside you, one that has faced hurt but continues to not only live but live with Joy! Because- Don’t you know you need to stop seeking the light, You are the light!
Life is short but sweet for certain- DMB