I just returned from a short vacation from Florida. If you happen to follow me on Facebook, you would note that I left Minnesota on the coldest day in about 20 years! Not to brag, but I was coming from a place where snot literally froze in your nostrils the second you stepped outside (side note- why do Minnesotan’s brag about the weather).
It was wonderful to get away from the cold, stress, and reality that life brings. As I was walking on the beach- which I did as often as possible, I paused and looked at the beautiful water, the sun beaming down, listened to the waves rushing to the shore, felt the sand run through my toes (God I wish I was back there) and just stood there taking in all the beauty that God has designed and simply just- Breathe…
Over two years has passed since my late husband died and as I stood there, on the beach, my mind started to flood with one big question… How am I here? If you were to take me back to the days and moments surrounding his death there would be no way that you would get me to believe that I would be here, on a beach, and most importantly feeling happiness again (you read that right- Happiness). Those days and many that followed were dark- filled with anxiety, uncertainty, and a fear that my life would and could not go on. These were days that I knew for certain I wouldn’t have laughter, love or happiness again. Those things were ripped from my heart and soul and would never return.
Happiness. I am feeling happiness once again. Almost as if that once dark cloud, that has followed overhead, is now opening and the sun is able to shine through. Don’t get me wrong, there are still dark moments and days, (there always will be) but the light has now returned to my heart and soul and I can feel it shining through me. So here is a women, who has experienced a terrible tragedy, telling whomever that chooses to read this, that it is possible to be feel happiness once again. So, if you find yourself in that impossible moment, where life feels like too much, like you can’t see a future after this loss or tragedy- I want to be a witness that speaks and lives to the point of- “Yes you can!”
Know that this moment will turn into the next moment and then to the next. You too, will find yourself as I did- on a beach, in your home, out walking, with friends, playing with your children or grandchildren, at work or wherever it may be and you will feel happiness. I want to assure you that as helpless and hopeless as you may feel, your life can move forward. It may never be the same but it can still be joyful.
I can’t remember where I came across this phrase (I know I didn’t make it up on my own- way to busy to be so philosophical- ha!) but it really speaks to this post and in a sense sums it up perfectly. “This (insert your tragedy) didn’t happen to me, it only happened in my lifetime” Isn’t that just the best way to look at life? Now that’s worth repeating: “This (insert your tragedy) didn’t happen to me, it only happened in my lifetime”
If I insert this phrase into my own life. My husbands death wasn’t a punishment to me for some heinous act that I committed. It wasn’t because I’m unlucky. It wasn’t because our God of God’s deemed me unworthy of happiness and did this to me. It doesn’t define my existence. Our lives are made up of a serious of events, this event (his death) merely happened in mine. I don’t know the reason and I won’t know the answer until I enter my afterlife. One thing that I do know, is that I refuse to let those unanswered questions rule my existence.
There is no denying that my husbands death was very tragic and has caused great emotion, sadness, heartbreak and so much more (it’s actually hard to put words to the feelings) but my life will continue to move forward. I will cherish all the wonderful moments and memories that my late husband and I created. These events that happened in my lifetime- meeting Andy, having 3 wonderful children, and constantly laughing will never fade from my heart. They have forever changed me, they are apart of my soul and make-up my being. They have made me a wife, mother and so much more.
That being said- my lifetime did not end the day that Andy’s did. My human lifetime has yet to come to a closure. I will have more tragedy, sadness, loss etc…(it’s inevitable- it’s life- sorry for the buzzkill). More importantly, I will have love again, happiness, laughter, accomplishments and hope! Just as Andy’s existence and events we walked through together, his end also changed my events for my future. The way I view life, love, relationships and my overall perspective towards my purpose has also changed.
So- to the individual that feels like they can’t catch a break, to the soul who’s heart aches, the human that struggles with emotional or mental turmoil, to the being that suffers in silence with loneliness encompassing their heart, to the woman who longs for their child, the man who longs for their wife, the couple who’s marriage is in chaos- whatever your loss or tragedy is. I am in no way an expert at this and will never claim to be, but through my experience and my continued journey, after loss I too hope you will…
Pause… Breathe… and have hope that happiness will grace your life again. Because it did for me and it will for you too!
Life is short but sweet for certain-DMB