Over the past year, I have spent many nights alone at restaurants embracing my “aloneness.” Many probably think- why the heck would I do that? Is it to get away from her kids (most likely)? Does she not have anyone to dine with? You might think… Ugh that’s just sad.
So why was I going to restaurants on my own? I have alluded to this, but I was in the process of writing a book and would usually spend my time writing- oh and heck yeah to get away from my kids too. I often would say, “I’m embracing my aloneness.” After, my late husband, Andy died this was my biggest fear- that I would be alone forever. So, like in my previous articles (if you read them) I looked this fear in the face and whispered “not today” (really quietly though because I was already that weird person at a table alone- I’m not going to talk to myself too). I walked into those restaurants with confidence and said “table for one.”
I realize that I am not actually, physically ever alone. I mean, I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself without a kid or dog following in after me. After loosing Andy, I experienced a new level of being alone, a feeling that I had never felt before in my life. Sure, I’ve felt lonely or lonesome for someone or some thing. Loneliness seems to ebb and flow for most people just like good and bad days do. This new “Aloneness” set into my soul as soon as I saw the empty paddle board. It took over my inner being and planted itself in my heart like an unwelcome guest that just would’t leave. It would overtake me at any moment- even in a crowed room full of love and light, I would sense it’s presence. Here’s the kicker- I kept this feeling hidden with a funny joke and a smile on my face, like so many of us do.
Losing a loved one isn’t the only way people experience “aloneness.” It can knock on anyone’s door and walk it’s dirty feet into your heart. There are more people than we know who have this dark guest in there heart. People you would never suspect, who look like they have everything going for them and a life so well put together. “Aloneness” preys on everyone and has no recipe for it’s next meal. So many people suffer from grief, mental health, and other daily battles that “aloneness” sneaks in and takes space. It is that feeling that no one understands us, that we are the only ones that could possibly be in this much pain, that we are different, not normal, and doomed to remain that way.
Well this couldn’t be further from the truth. I realized this 6 weeks after Andy died. It was the night I first walked into the Modern Widow’s Club chapter. At first I sat and tried to hold tears in, which I grown so accustomed too (I mean for God’s sake at that point I could have cried night and day). As I met and listened to these woman (some younger and some older than I), I realized I wasn’t alone. They understood all of my fears, worries, and heartbreak. I looked at these women and I saw a future again. A light in the dark, and my soul felt at ease.
Among all the wonderful things that I have received from this group of woman- we have this tradition, started in my widow chapter (kudos to my chapter leader), of tying a red thread around our wrists. This thread symbolizes the connection that we have with one-another. We are bonded together through this thread. The intention is: You look at the thread and remember the connections you made with another person. When a dark moment arises, you look down and know that you are not alone. You look at the thread and know there are others that have felt or experienced the deep pain that you have. You look down at the thread and know there is a future and it can be bright.
This red thread tradition, actually stems from a Chinese proverb:
The red thread is not limited to my widow club ,it connects us all and it will never break! Even in the moments you feel at your darkest, and your thread seems to be fraying- we are connected. And let’s not forget about our Creator ( Yep, can’t make it through a post without mention of my main Man!) I recently read a funny meme that said something to the effect of “My child I have never left you, those single set of foot prints is where I carried you, that long groove is where I dragged you.” Oh Lordy, I was dragged something fierce during my early grief (still am some days-who am I kidding- most days).
Here is what I have come to realize: yes I need God and yes He carries me, but He has also put others in my life to help. He is in others, just as He is in me, so I can help others(fingers crossed on that one). He is the ambulance driver who embraced and prayed with me on the day of the empty paddle board. He is my widow sisters. He is my mom as I laid my head on her shoulder the night Andy went missing. He is the stranger that stopped by my house with an envelope and wish to help me. He is the friend who stopped by with a coffee and a smile. He is a sweet glimmer in my baby’s eyes waiting to meet mine. He is in my finger tips as I type away, with anticipation of helping others through my pain and honesty.
I did in fact, embrace my “aloneness” as I stated in the beginning of this article, but in a very different way then I ever dreamed. It’s not just sitting at a restaurant by myself. It’s knowing that He has tied that red thread around my wrist and He connects all of us. My hope is, just by sharing with you that I have those same fears and feelings of “aloneness.” Maybe, just maybe you won’t feel alone. Hopefully, myself and others can serve as your red thread and we can all kick that jerk of “aloneness” out of our hearts. If you need help- I’m really good at it- I drop-kicked “grief” out the door too:)
Life is short but sweet for certain-DMB