I’m Philosophizing

Ok, don’t worry I took one philosophy course in college- this won’t get too deep…

A friend of mine passed a long a Ted Talk  and wanted me to cue in on a line that inspired her.  So let’s get our Philosophy on for a moment:  

As we messaged back and forth about the quote to left, a discussion began:  Why does this quote seem so obvious and easy but it really is not? I began pondering, (oh yeah-that’s philosophy talk) as humans why to we have  a tendency to wallow in what life is “doing” to us rather than putting in the work of making a change?

My thoughts then shifted to answer the above question- we do this because we can rationalize away our choice to not change, so we can remain in “yuck” of life, because it is in fact “life” that is doing this to us and out of our control (whoa that got deep and intense).  We can then blame our situation on “life” and continue to wallow in what “life” as thrown at us instead of making a change in ourselves to be happy again.  Don’t get me wrong I’ve wallowed, especially in my early grief (and before and after and maybe earlier today).  I would look at a happy couple or photo’s on Facebook of posts of happy families on vacation, yummy meals, and cute pets and think- “Come on people I’m suffering here!  I don’t care about your vacation- stupid food or pet!”

I realized this is not me, and I knew that I needed to make a change (except maybe for still not caring about people who literally post every meal on Facebook- it’s excessive people!).  This change was going to take work, a daily battle really, and still is. I have to confess as soon as I accepted that Andy’s death was not something that happened to me versus that it happened in my lifetime made me more free than I had ever felt.

I have had individuals say to me “yours is not the worst story.”  That seems really harsh to say to young widow with three small children- But no matter how harsh, it is true (PS- I don’t advise you say these comments to people who are grieving, because I sorta felt like punching the person in the face after he said it to me).  The reality in the comment was, I wanted to believe that my situation was the worst and that no one could understand or cope with the pain Iv’e had.  It wasn’t true though.  In fact, when I looked around and opened my eyes from behind the blindfold that grief had on me, the first thing that I see is three little smiling souls (my babies), a loving family, outstanding friends, neighbors, a caring community, etc and so on…

This isn’t the case for every widow, or person experiencing a trauma, especially those that don’t live in this country.  So even though the comment seems harsh- it was true.  Though as unnecessary as the comment was, I will “take-away” that I needed to open my eyes, and push away the “Yuck.”  I needed to realize that life didn’t do this to me,  Then and only then, I could see with open eyes, how very blessed I am and BOOM that’s when the change starts.

There are days when my metaphoric eyes close, but it seems with practice, focusing on the positives, my blessings and my future it gets easier and easier to recover from my “yuck” of the day.  I heard a very insightful priest say -you can focus on your past and your pain or you can focus on your future.  Now I want to be clear, it is still necessary for me to grieve, cry and miss my late-husband.  He is and will always be a huge part of my past, present and future (just looking at the eyes of my children it’s obvious).  What I am trying to say is that I will not allow grief to pull me in too deep, where I can’t recover, and “‘m not able to see my blessings.  It’s ok to be sad, cry, and wallow from time to time (I did earlier in my car)- but don’t let it consume you and miss out on this beautiful life we were given. Quite putting blame on “life” and take back control so change can occur.

What are the areas in your life that the “yuck” is bringing you down?  How can you make the necessary changes?  The only person we can control is ourselves and our actions.  How can we realize change is good and necessary for happiness.   Without the “yuck” and the pain we wouldn’t be the people we are today- wiser, stronger, and able to see our blessings more clearly.  If I would keep my eyes closed then I would have missed this beautiful moment, with this beautiful girl, enjoying a new passion and Damn her Daddy would be so proud!

Life is short but sweet for certain- DMB